


going up a size

by The Raven Sennin (The_Raven_Sennin)



Series: Team Anko, Final Rev [8]
Category: Naruto, The Sphere (Megacrossover Verse)
Genre: AU, Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe, Buckle up, Canon is Dead to Us, Magi Punk, Ninjapunk, megacrossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-29 17:17:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6385285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Raven_Sennin/pseuds/The%20Raven%20Sennin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>let there be light</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Long Day Ends

_"It's never as easy as you hope."_

\-- Ascribed to "Kurama' by Uzumaki Mito

**1945 h. Team Anko HQ.**

Anko walked into their sitting room to find her team waiting for her.

"Have fun?" Sakura asked.

"Ibiki wouldn't let me touch him. Said I was too close to it. Part of the game, of course. What's with the kid?"

"Sit down, Sensei," Sasuke said, and his tone drove any thought of playing Evil Noble Sensei out of her mind. That and the looks the three were giving her.

Naruto was rocking the child in his arms as he sat on the floor, leaning against the couch. The small smile on his face lacked any of his usual genial humour, though he lit up a little every time he looked down and cooed at the baby.

The baby was in that strange borderland between infant and toddler.

Sakura sat on the couch. The Haruno was wearing her glasses and had a list in front of her. She was in business mode, the sarcastic and biting humour Anko had been kind of shocked to find they shared absent.

Sasuke was so composed where he sat seiza at the end of the coffee table she was afraid it was a prelude to a blow up. Uchiha, always doing things arse backwards. He had on a pair of combat grade goggles in place of the glasses.

"Teams need to communicate," Sakura said. "And sometimes sit down and hash a few things out. Sasuke...?"

In response, the Uchiha closed his eyes and opened them after a moment.

Anko blinked. "Isn't the Copy Wheel supposed to be _red_?"

"I think we've already gone over the fact my clan was rather willfully ignorant of its own power in favour of the first thing that vaguely worked," Sasuke noted. His whites and irides had turned jade and the usual circular pattern of his clan's doujutsu was an electric blue. Two comma lay orbiting each iris’s boundary.

"When did that happen?" Anko prompted.

"The night of the massacre my father and a small group of like minded twits visited on my clan," Sasuke said evenly. "Which is why it didn't change my prescription, I guess. Itachi helped hide it."

Anko sat rather heavily in her father's now thankfully safe favourite chair. "Okay."

"My mind kept going back to that night, tossing it over and over, and especially the gap I had in my memories after my parents died. And it was for the same reason I knew I couldn't trust most offers of help after that night. The same reason I knew most of my fangirls were chasing a ghost, not me."

The Uchiha reached into a pocket and pulled something out. He placed the jade stone that had a shape much like the comma of his Sharingan on the table.

"A magatama," Sakura said.

"In my clan, a symbol of the search for truth," Sasuke said. He smirked. "Itachi explained that to me when he named my Hyoujii after it."

Naruto gave a short snort of a laugh. "Why I always tried to get the bastard _in_ on any big pranks. He can see through any line you give him in time."

"Ha!" Anko barked, then shook her head at the look her team gave her. "Sorry, it's just... your Hyoujii wasn't in it. Your file. So a Hyoujii for helping reveal things was hidden."

Naruto snorted. "That's... the sort of wrily funny thing Itachi loves. Also kinda brilliant. Like hiding the key to a lock in a lock it fits in, but doesn't turn. You just need to try the other door, rather than the other keys."

"I think that was what Itachi was counting on..." Sasuke said, a thoughtful frown on his face. "You know, even as my brother made ANBU, even as he was given direct orders from the Hokage and by-passing Fox, even as he was praised as a paragon of a ninja... my father never acted as if it was enough. I have a feeling that until the clan as a whole was made kami, it would not have been."

Anko looked at her student carefully. "He didn't torture you with his Tsukuyomi, did he?"

"I told him to stick a single sword in," Sasuke said, voice only wavering slightly. "Even at that age... the Tsukuyomi is a genjutsu that borders on space time manipulation. I figured you couldn't fake that pain."

"But isn't it a torture genjutsu?" Sakura wondered aloud, giving her Uchiha teammate a look torn between admiring his guts and questioning his sanity.

"Again, that's what the Uchiha who can achieve it tend to use it for. But my brother is a paragon-- not just a prodigy, a paragon of a ninja. And his favourite word is peace. If anyone in our generation could figure out how to use the Moon Kami's boon for other means... it's him."

"What was the real reason for it?" Naruto asked, checking the baby as she fussed and sighing. "Did someone pick up--"

A panel behind the couch opened and one of the Shiba clan's black clad servants reached out, handing Naruto a diaper bag.

"Log, thank you," Naruto said, and paid the kuroko no further mind as the servant closed the panel. "Takeru told me they take it as a reprimand if you pay them too much attention. Ryuuno-nii is so helpful by nature he can end up doing it without meaning to. You were saying, Bastard?"

There was something slightly surreal about watching Naruto lay down a plastic sheet and blanket and proceed to change the baby's diaper as Sasuke continued his on the spot briefing... but then, after her own sensei had betrayed them Tsunade had fed her breakfast while leading her through a gross anatomy lesson, so the tree still grew the right way...

"Tsukuyomi affects perception of time," Sasuke offered.

Naruto paused in folding the soiled nappy. "He had a lot to tell you, then?"

"And even with it, he didn't have enough time to tell me all he wanted," Sasuke sighed. "I do know Shisui-nii was no mere suicide-- he was filling a duty that the Uchiha, Senju, and their offshoots share. It was time pressure that made it fatal, and he knew it and did it with his eyes open and love of the Leaf in his heart. Itachi gave me bits and bobs of other situations, but he focused on the matter at hand."

"Which was?" Sakura prompted.

"I walked in on him trying to help my mother kill my father. Ka-san had already taken some... bad hits from father's sword. Do you know what my father's first words when he saw me were?" Sasuke scoffed. "'Look, Itachi, your spare! Kill him! Join me! Make the Uchiha great!'"

"There was a law made to combat that kind of stupidity," Naruto managed evenly, as the servant who'd appeared to take the soiled diaper and the wipes removed themselves quietly. He powdered the little girl's bottom and tickled her stomach before grabbing a new nappy.

"No doubt one of the supposed 'tyrannies' my father wanted to do away with," the Uchiha replied just as evenly, and in that moment Anko _knew_ these were two lifelong friends. "My mother's last words were that she was proud of us, and I was to look out for you."

"Give us the bullet points," Anko said.

"Right," Sasuke agreed. "One, it is positively stunning the Hokage was able to keep a lid on what my father was planning. He wasn't subtle about it. And neither were Sarutobi-sama and Nii-kun's counters."

"...fewer Uchiha died than the village thought," Sakura worked out.

Sasuke nodded. "That's item two. The Hokage put several of us on long term deployment to Ame, Kusa, and other allies-- along with their families. There were rather sad reports from each place that Itachi had in his madness killed them."

"A good friend will lie about the body," Naruto noted as he finished wrapping the girl's bottom. "A brother or sister in arms will help you hide it and cover the crime scene."

"Sarutobi-sama didn't trust Suna with any," Sasuke noted. "Stood out to me. Something to keep in mind."

"What about kids without families? Every major clan seems to have them," Sakura noted with a shrug.

"Point," Sasuke agreed. Then he gave a slight smirk. "My brother arranged a trip for the Uchiha orphans raised in our common house to Kells. He'd been sent on a number of missions there over his time in service-- you know, the Queen wanting to make clear to the Kells for Kells crowd that she actually has Hi blood herself?"

"So they're there," Sakura said, nodding.

"Under the care of my, point three, brother's wife," Sasuke noted dryly.

There was the kind of silence that followed seeming like a music disc jamming in playback because someone had destroyed half the seals on the disc. Anko _knew_ the Uchiha was enjoying the looks even his blond best friend was giving him.

"Sasu goo goo," the baby babbled.

Naruto shook his head. "No, I think Sasuke-nii is _serious,_ sweetie. Sasuke: What?"

"Her name is Freya. I have two nieces, Fox-sama informs me," Sasuke said. There was a hint of pride in the Uchiha's voice... which would be akin to Naruto crowing madly about Kakashi's kill count, Anko supposed. "My eldest niece is named Fuyuko, though she goes by _Winter_ day to day. She's five. My youngest was conceived and born after the Coup attempt, when Itachi got a chance to... ahem... visit. Her name is _Weiss_. About the age of you friend Summer's stepdaughter. His wife is the _premier_ provider of Dust for Keltic weaponry."

"... you brother is married to Schnee Freya...?" Naruto said.

"Despite the attempts of many in the Keltic court who want the mining company she owns under their control to assert otherwise, yes," Sasuke said, and Anko swore the blue part of his Sharingan flashed. "So many.. though, still barely a quarter... of the clan survived. But the ones that did die... Father had help."

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Naruto said, as he bounced the freshly changed giggling girl on his knee.

"I think I'd like to hold Watari-chan for a moment," Sasuke said calmly, holding out his arms.

Naruto frowned, but acquiesced. The baby giggled as Sasuke held her, and instantly made to grab the hairdo that earned him the nickname "duck butt".

"Every child I hold," the Uchiha groused, half-heartedly.

"Spill," Naruto half growled.

"Point four. I saw Tou-san's accomplice," Sasuke said. "Why I told Itachi he needed to hurt me in the genjutsu world, so the arsehole would buy that I'd forgotten him. When I described the mask he was wearing to Fox-sama, she called for Mitokado-sama and Hatake-san. They agreed with Fox-sama's assessment, and it explained something."

"What?" Naruto groused.

"Point five. Some of the dead at the scene had tool marks matching your mother's chakram."

Naruto froze a moment. "Sasuke--"

"I'm saying," Sasuke interrupted firmly, "that the man who helped my father kill most of my kin in Konoha, even as my brother and mother fought the traitors, was wearing a mask exactly like the one your father's student and Mitokado-sama saw on the man who was battling your parents for control of the Nine-tails. I'm saying the arsehole stole your mother's chakram and used it years later to help kill members of her best friend's clan. I'm saying he got close enough to me that I saw that bastard's Sharingan spinning as he taunted my brother with using our greatest katon hijutsu on me."

Naruto trembled a moment... and then stilled and slowly smiled, a small nasty thing. "You're saying we at least partly know our enemy. And whatever his goals, they've been partly or fully frustrated at every turn."

"We know who we have to kill now," Sasuke said, making a face at the baby. "And... Fox-sama says she has to run it by the Hokage, but one of our first major missions will likely be to bring my brother home. Because he's currently undercover in a group that has that man as a member."

"Short term, get Itachi back and either re-introduce your clan here or get him to his family for long term recovery in Kells," Naruto noted.

"And if we're after the guy that killed your parents," Sakura said with her own smile, "long term, build ourselves up so we can do it right. Take care of Sensei's sensei on the way."

"You got it, Bitch," Naruto said.

Taking her team in as her brain caught up, Anko sighed. "Okay, that's explosion chain number one. Naruto, baby, explain?"

Naruto smiled. "That's my adopted daughter, the sole survivor of Sarubo's rituals to his dark 'god'. He was trying to make her into a Claymore. That's Anko-nee, Watari!"

"Oh, fuck," Anko said. "Orochimaru mentioned those with disgust once, didn't go into details. If it disgusted him..." She waved at the little girl, and smiled as the little face lit up and arms waggled back.

"Yeah," Naruto said. "Her chakra system’s been artificially enhanced to be more Uzumaki like."

"And you adopted her so the attempts to contest it would be even more futile, got you. Pinkie, any timed tags from you?"

"I'm my clan's heir because I actually bothered to go for field experience," Sakura noted with a smirk. "And speaking of, I'm... likely going to sign Pinkie's contract. If only because Lyra doesn't do solo signings anymore and she and I have similar head... things."

"Right. Okay. Any other fun-- the door chime."

"I'll get it," Naruto said.

"Well, I'm beat," Anko noted, as the blond rose and bolted to the door. "If Naruto hadn't accidentally destroyed the AV room, I'd suggest a movie--"

"Er, actually, Nee-sensei," Naruto said, returning with a man in a bear mask with the Hiju for Ice on it, "apparently Jii-jii wants Team Seven to meet him at the main gate."

##

**1755 h. What's left of the main gate.**

"Sarubo?" the woman who was talking to Jii-jii said, disbelief in her voice. Of the two woman standing with the Hokage, the speaker was the taller of the two. She had ebony hair that seemed to have the grey and white of age sprinkled amongst its strands, like someone had upended a shaker of salt in pepper. She held a set of papers... no, they were photographs... in her hand. "Minato and he were like brothers. If he did this..." She took a breath. "Jii-sama. I have had too much of my family tree cut off as it is-- I do not like having a traitorous Endless Assault loose to threaten them!"

"Join the club," Jii-jii shot back calmly.

She took another breath. "You and every other good nin of the Leaf, I know."

Her shorter companion with the blond hair that had a haunting tint of red to it was rubbing just above her eyes with the thumb and first finger of her right hand. "'Go see the world, Kaa-san,' she said. 'You've given so much for me, Kaa-san. You haven't seen Amazon Lily or Bartertown in ages, Kaa-san. Go. Take Kaa-kun. Enjoy yourself!' Barely a year out, I'm told she's dead, and I need to stay away until they settle the security for our--"

At that moment, she looked up... and her eyes met his.

And if Naruto had felt a little ping of recognition when he'd met Takeru and August... this was like being hit by a bo staff up the side of the head.

"Oh, sweet _Passions_..." she murmured and began to walk toward him.

The fact he was walking toward her was making the trip a short one.

_Kaa-san. Kaa-kun._ One way some of the kids with two moms from Academy referred to them.

That face... like pictures he'd seen of his mother.

"Baa-chan...?" he risked as she knelt before him.

"Oh... my boy..." the woman managed. "I... my boy..." and then she was holding him, holding him like she was never letting go. "Naruto! Naruto, my grandson, I'm so sorry! I should have been here! I should have... Naruto..."

He hugged her right back. And then he felt a strong but gentle hug engulf them both. He looked up at the dark haired lady... and noticed the Uzumaki Peace Spiral just below her right collar bone on her chest, and my, that was rather fitting leather armour she was wearing. "Baa-kun?"

"It'll do," the woman agreed easily, as tears trickled from her eyes. " _Granny._ Tartarus,I'll even take being called _Giagia_."

"You're from... Thera?" Naruto puzzled out.

"Born there, was an idiot there, went out, saw the Sphere, fell in love with a nice girl from Nami when I freed her from the Theran bastard that thought he owned her."

The two women leaned back, but didn't quite let him go. Naruto found he was fine with that.

"I was named Touka, after one of the Shodai's cousins," the blond explained. "Took me two years of being free to be comfortable telling it to people, since I got beat whenever I spoke it. So I took to using the name she gave me," she said inclining her head toward her wife. "Your tou-san called me Gabi-kaa-san, because he could never quite manage Gabrielle."

"So... Kaa-san learned to use her knives from you..." at Gabrielle's nod, he turned to his other grandmother and caught sight of the weapon at the Theran's side. "And you're why she used a chakram!"

"I'm Xena-baa. Minato... never had trouble with my name. Even transliterates easily," the taller of his grandmothers said with a smirk. "Your grandpa... is a dear friend of ours from Tetsu. I expect he'll turn up soon enough... he tends to arrive at the most convenient times." Xena rolled her eyes. "He'll... likely prefer Oyaji, he's odd that way."

"But... you're here _now_ ," Naruto said, and he smiled at them. "My family really is all coming home!" Naruto turned. "Sensei! Sensei, come here!"

Gabi-baa turned... and another sad smile struck her. "Oh. Oh, yes. You or Kakashi, that's what's right," the Uzumaki woman said, embracing the Mitarashi.

"Hi, Gabi-baa," Anko managed, with a shadow of her usual Evil Grin (tm). "I... still prefer dango."

Gabi gave her a smile and a nod. "And it's admirable that you stick to your principles," she said with some solemnity. Then out of the corner of her mouth, she murmured, "Food of the Kami and Passions?"

"Ramen," Naruto replied immediately.

"Good boy," was the instant, calm reply.

"I swear, if there was a Kami of Ramen..." Xena muttered.

"There _isn't_?" Gabi gasped.

"We need to fix that," Naruto said gravely.

"You'd think after this many years together, I'd know not to give an Uzumaki ideas," Xena grumbled.

"Oh, oh, and this is my teammate, Uchiha Sasuke," Naruto introduced his friends as they came closer.

"... Damn. Mikoto's boy," Xena noted, shaking her head. "Your mother was one of our daughter's best friends."

"Naruto was... around a lot..." Sasuke said.

"That explains why you're less reserved than some Uchiha I've known," Gabi admitted. "And who's this?"

"Our... I want to say saner, but..." Naruto shrugged helplessly.

"I'm the team's somewhat sober second thought," Sakura said.

"Sadly, hers can drink the boys' thoughts under the table," Anko muttered.

"Sensei!" Sakura chided. Then she bowed to _his very own grandparents_. "Haruno Sakura, baa-san."

"A Haruno, an Uchiha and an Uzumaki," Gabi deadpanned.

"Hiruzen-jii-sama's being clever again," Xena replied in kind.

"Yah-huh," her wife agreed. Then she looked behind him. "Oh... oh my. Young man, I believe I knew your father."

Takeru bowed slightly as he closed on the three. "Naruto has honoured me by calling me cousin, Uzumaki-sama--"

"Then you have got to get used to at least calling me baa-sama," Gabi interrupted, hugging the samurai.

"I... thank you," Takeru managed as he was released. "Do you wish the rest of your clan to gather here..."

"Give us some time with our grandson," Xena said calmly but firmly. "Then we'll gather our clan. Our timing kind of sucks. And it's Xena."

"Of course, Xena-sama," the seal agreed. "At your pace.”

"I think your timing is perfect," Naruto said. "It'll remind us that even if we have to... see to our dead... we can still remember to be alive," He blinked and grinned at them. "You need to meet my daughter, Watari-chan! C'mon!"

Gabi-baa's hand was the one he had the best hold on, so it was her he dragged along to where Mokoto was standing holding Watari-chan. He heard Xena-baa bark out, "Wait, _daughter_? Isn't he a little young for..." she trailed off, and Naruto's suspicions as to why were affirmed when she gave an annoyed growl. "Oh, how I missed that impish Professor grin..."

"Baa-kun!" he called to her, as Gabi-baa began to coo over the youngest Uzumaki. "C'mon!"

He had grandparents! Him!

##

**1805 h.**

"Excuse me, Kraft-sama..."

The woman she was addressing was barely taller than Sakura herself, but she had this presence that made her seem like the biggest thing around. The hood she wore over her head shaded her face... but she caught a glance of eyes that were red-- not the red traditionally ascribed to the Sharingan. More like Yuuhi Kurenai's.

The woman met her eyes and slowly smiled-- a kind, if slightly impish thing. "Haruno-chan. I do believe... you would be the daughter of Mebuki and Kizashi. Sakura?" At her nod, Kraft's smile grew playful and maternal, like a mother lovingly teasing a fidgeting child. "You parents are paragons of Merchants. Your mother rather reminds me of my Laurance when it comes to the Deal. You have perhaps met my grandchild, August?"

The lady Kraft barely looked old enough to be a mother, let alone a grandmother. Sakura let it slide... Naruto's baa-chan looked much the same.

"Briefly, Kraft-sama," Sakura said. "Kraft-sama, as a good nin of the Leaf and since you have given my parents such fair trade, I feel it is my duty to provide you with some... information."

"Oh?" the lady said, non-committally.

"Ookami to Koushinryou is the main factor making Aisberg one of our main trading partners from beyond the continent since Konoha's founding."

"Indeed," the lady agreed.

"Then you likely know of the Uzumaki and their storied history with this town," Sakura continued.

"If you wish to provide my company a list of those that have wronged young Gabrielle's grandson," Kraft said with a smirk, holding out her hand, "then I shall gladly take it, and any that expected trade with _Wolf and Spice_ will receive a refund and be told that we do not wish the funds of those that would piss on an eternal alliance."

Sakura handed over the scroll in her hand, blinking.

"Grandma," Blake August chided lightly.

Kraft chuckled slightly. "Let an old woman have her fun, child. Sakura-chan, Saru-kun has already sent me a list via the Monkeys of those disgracing themselves by dealing with the supposed ruler of Nami. Adding these... will be trivial. And perhaps amusing as well."

"I thank you for your consideration, Kraft-sama," Sakura said, and did not bother to correct how she referred to the Hokage.

"And now, payment," Kraft said firmly. "And don't try to tell me I owe you nothing, _little blossom_. Kraft Holo pays her debts."

Sakura frowned.

"Does your teammate have the same partner his mother did?" the Kraft matriarch asked after a moment, just as the Hokage walked up.

Sarutobi gave her the pout of a child pissed off at an older relative. "Holo-baa," he grumbled. "'Hiruzen, does she know?' 'Why yes, my Wise and Wonderful Baa-chan, she does!'"

"Please," Kraft answered, "the great grandson here detected it the moment they met."

"Holo," Sarutobi sighed, his tone still teasing. "We have _laws_ you old wolf."

"So send your ANBU after me," the merchant shot back.

"Are you implying I don't value my ANBU, old woman?" the Kage countered cleanly.

"Valid point," the owner of Ookami to Koushinryou allowed after a moment. "As he obviously does... I shall help him tonight to make that partnership fruitful. Hopefully I won't have to talk him out of the same errors Kushina made..." she shivered, "the one time I ended up bound in that position is one of my most painful memories."

".... you look exceptionally young for a great grandmother," Sakura finally managed.

"Young nin," Holo drawled back, her smile all mischief, "I had become a _mere_ great grandmother for the third time when I met your Shodai. I am your Kage's godmother."

Sakura blinked at her.

With a wink, Kraft Holo turned, clapping her hands once and calling out, " _Thomas! Thomas,_ " but after that, Sakura could not follow the language the woman spoke in.

Sakura frowned. Was it her imagination, or was the back of Kraft-sama's skirt... swishing?

"You could go ask," Sarutobi suggested.

Sakura turned to the Hokage. "Yes, and I'm sure it will amuse you both, Hokage-sama."

"So perceptive. This is why you'll be a great nin, Sakura-kun!"

Sakura blushed as Sarutobi gave her a grandfatherly smile. Really, she didn't expect to have a senior Nin address her as -kun until she was chuunin!

##

_Positive re-enforcement-jutsu... complete,_ Hiruzen thought to himself as he directed Sakura to "Buy yourself and an old man some _mapuwu_ candies. Your Hokage orders it!"

After all, no need for her to grow up too much, too fast.

##

**Hours pass.**

The sort of small hours that make a life, but never fit on a report.

Hours in which he saw pictures. Xena's son (Drake) by the same friend that was Kaa-san's mother, and thus Naruto's _uncle._ Along with Drake's wife, and their four children.

Gabi's oldest, Asu-chan. A daughter who had had to be hidden like he had, travelling with their allies as much as them--

"That's a tradition I hope you and Watari break," she said firmly.

\-- and later her husband and their daughter. _His_ aunt, uncle and cousin.

Hours in which Rei showed up, dragging family.

Composed Shuzaya-nii, who smiled almost like Sasuke did when shown the kunai he had made for his Kushi-nee's son was still with him, and who gave stern instructions alongside Xena-baa on caring for his weapons.

Half-sister Kumoriko, who seemed to instantly slip into being the tsukkomi to Rei's boke.

Hakamaru, who seemed to take Gai-sensei's approach to taijutsu training and apply it to fuuinjutsu, going so far (he claimed) as to buy a straight-jacket to force himself to do calligraphy with his mouth. Also funny as hell, in the non-sequenteur-wait-no-perfect-sense mode.

And Enbuhei-jii, a gentle giant of an Uzumaki, his baa-chan's cousin, watching over them all with put-upon but kindly patience.

He heard stories of Gabi-baa's childhood in Nami and Enbu-jii's in Kusa. And tales of after they had met in the camp-- really a small village that counted as 'hidden territory' under Konoha's jurisdiction that fell to a bunch of Kumo idiots.

Tales of his parents, and Rei's father and step-mother. The 'main' house of the Uzumaki wasn't the only one with a generation cut out of it.

Hours spent catching his baa... baa-tachi? His grandparents up on the long day that passed. On his baa-chan's homeland, and what a son of stonecutters with aspirations of yakuza-hood was doing to it.

Of Sarubo, and his years of betrayal. Not just of the Uzumaki, but of Konoha itself.

Of a cousin dying wanting to introduce her daughter to him.

Watari was embraced as a great granddaughter and little cousin and daughter.

Rei's attempts to add 'poop factory' to that list were met by an appearance by the Horse Sage of Laughter. Rei promptly fainted.

Naruto would swear his baa-kun's horse Argo was smiling at that.

Other family joined over time, until they were crowding Team Seven's training ground a bit. All told, there were 22 families that could rightly claim the Uzumaki name over their family name-- and several intended to, once Naruto gave his okay. And that wasn't including the 64 or so individuals of Uzumaki decent like Neji and his mother, claimed by other clans. Many of them turned up with clan or family heads in tow.

Seeing Hyuuga Hiashi and his father openly embrace Xena and Gabi with tears in their eyes brought more than a few tears and looks of shock. As did Hiashi addressing Xena as "sensei".

There was Kiddo, guiltily haunting the edges of the gathering until he was pulled in with his wife Zia and son Wulf. Wulf was placed in the crib... someone had brought for Watari, and the two lay dozing and drooling on each other.

Kiddo's guilt for Sachiko's death was dealt with by way of tact and diplomacy.

Xena kept smacking him anytime he started apologising.

But it was at the end of the day when two visitors showed up that things got interesting.


	2. Ookami no Kimera

**2130 h. Team Anko Training Grounds.**

His team had made themselves scarce for now-- giving him time with his _family._

The crowd had shrunk, until only Naruto, his baa-chan and baa-kun, Ami, and Hakamaru were sitting on the new porch. Ami, Xena, and Gabi were catching each other up on what was happening with their scattered clan. Including _his uncle,_ Xena-baa's son by the same samurai who was _his grandpa_ , and his four _cousins_ , three by way of a first marriage and one by his _very much alive aunt._

He had addresses, he could write them now!

His other aunt and her family moved around a lot. Harder to contact.

His Xena-baa was very clear as she showed him a picture of his great-grandfather-- her father-- a rugged looking man with wild black hair and a cigar in his mouth.

"He and his brother are credited the same name, in some ways," Xena said. "If someone claims Khourne is a about, make sure you ask who they mean with your jii-sama's name, understand?"

At this point, stories had been shared about who they had lost, and now those closest to the dead where grieving together. The rest of the clan were doing their duty to them and not forcing a funeral air just for appearance sake-- to honour the dead, Uzumaki _lived_.

Naruto and Hakamaru were talking sealing, having already decided that Naruto's Mojikara no Hyouji and Hara-nii's own Shukketsu were equally awesome for sealing. The fact that Hara's Bleeding gave him a nigh-infinite source of blood to enhance sealing inks was offset by the fact he still had to ink the damn things. On the other hand, Naruto had better be sure he was vividly imagining the seals he projected unless he wanted a backlash, and complex seals still took time.

Naruto sat near Gabriella, and every once and awhile the well-traveled elder would squeeze his shoulder, or give his head a pat, or give him a quick hug when mentioning him.

 _So, this_ ** _is_** _family,_ Naruto thought. _What I felt from Jii-jii and Kashi-nii and others wasn't just an imitation--_

"Who are you, and what is your business with the Uzumaki, my dear lady?"

Naruto blinked and grinned at the familiar voice.

The appearance was, of course, not familiar at all. The gentleman was a good deal taller than the hooded woman he was addressing; he rather looked like an old, dignified Kelt. He was bald save for a dusting of silver hair above and around each ear, and had a neatly trimmed beard. He wore a simple button up t-shirt and pair of slacks, the dress of a relaxing lord.

The quiet dignity of the ensemble was offset by the cartoonishly large black mustache below a disproportionate nose on which rested a pair of thick lensed, black framed glasses.

"I would ask you the same thing, sir," the lady countered. "I am here to repay a debt to a clan member, and as the Hokage's own godmother, I'd think I'd have a right to pass through!"

"My dear lady," the man said with great gravitas as he removed his glasses-- the nose and mustache stayed in place, and there was a pair of rimless, thinner lensed glasses underneath-- and gestured with them at her, "you may be little Hiruzen's daibo, but I am the uncle of the clan head's grandmother!"

The woman's tone grew cautiously inquisitive. "Which one?"

"The Warrior Queen, Xena. My dear brother James is her father," the man said proudly, removing his mustache and rubbing his glasses with it.

"... James? Would he happen to be called _Lucky Jim_?"

The man paused in his polishing, replaced his glasses (which were now shades) and placed his mustache, now pink, on his chin. "That's what he's called around Sphere's end, yes..."

"You're his brother, then?" the woman pressed.

"Yes, his younger brother," the man said, frowning.

"Puck?"

The man nodded slowly, "I go by that in Kells."

"Also known as Discord?"

"That is what they call me in--" he blew a raspberry-- "Thera, as well as among those from the same realm as my dearest friend. Forgive me, my lady, you have me at a disadvantage and I tend to have bits of me turned to stone in such situ--"

The woman lowered her hood and smiled as the ears atop her head twitched.

"aaaaaahey!" the man said, beginning to smile himself. "You're-- Kraft Holo! Holo the Wise? Wolf of the Harvest?" At the woman's nod, he grinned. "Well, doesn't that just top it, I've been hanging around Konoha-- in part-- because I was hoping to finally meet you!"

"And I have been hoping turning up in the Leaf would lead to meeting you!" Holo replied.

"Holo!" Discord said, offering his hand, which the woman took.

"Discord!"

And they shook hands like old friends reunited.

Then they turned toward the nin gather on the porch before them.

"Oh, you know, I had an entrance planned--"

"Please, far be from me to cramp your style," Holo said.

"Thank you, dear lady," Discord said.

And then a movie screen blocked the two from view. There was the sound of a projector's seal array firing its lamplight jutsu section up, but Naruto didn't join his relatives in looking behind them. He just offered Haramaru some of the bagged popcorn that had appeared in his hands.

The image showed a family portrait-- a woman with long red hair, a man with short coiffed black hair and a dignified beard embracing her, and the red-haired toddler the two supported. Standing nearby in the painting was a serious-faced, blond-haired man.

"He once posed as the straight-laced majordomo and tutor to a Keltic lord and his family--"

The blond man in the painting turned and smirked, winking to the camera.

"--simply for the meta-joke of playing the straight man for once."

The scene shifted, and the man changed form to that of a dragon-like creature made of a patchwork of parts. He was standing before a gathering of puzzled looking summon clan Horses (they were far too expressive to be normal horses) in a thoughtful pose, a lion's paw stroking his chin.

"He cured his adopted hometown of all nut allergies--"

Then, with a decisive nod, he snapped a taloned eagle's 'toes'. The horses looked to the skies and began to rejoice at the offering pouring from the heavens. The chimera grinned.

"-- and then made it rain hypo-allergenic chocolate chip cookies instead of the planned pistachio pudding in the remote event he did it wrong."

Chimera shifted as scene did, becoming a weathered but handsome man with auburn hair that trended toward chestnut tones. He was wearing a suit Fiore style, button polka dot shirt without a tie under an open checkerboard sport coat and mismatched plaid pants that somehow worked on him. Behind him, pulling some clothing out of their lockers, stood Morino Ibiki and his secretary.

"He just now replaced the standard issue trenchcoats of the head of T&I and his secretary with matching his and hers gold versions..."

Ibiki and his secretary donned the new duds without missing a beat, and possed as a badass duo as if shit had just gotten real.

"... and they think this new gear is _Awesome._ "

As the scene transitioned to allow the now auburn-haired man a seat before Konoha's premier Ramen bar, the narrator seemed to reach a crescendo.

"He is..."

The man's expression grew serious as the bar's owner approached, a bowl in hand. His daughter followed, a platter with several more bowls on it resting on her arms.

"... the Sphere's most interesting Kami."

The man took a deep breath as the proprietor arrived behind him.

"I don't often eat ramen," he said, and held out his hand to receive the bowl. "But when I do..." he raised the bowl before his face, and inhaled deeply. He nodded in approval, and opened his eyes, face still serious. "... it's Ramen Ichiraku."

"Log damn right," Naruto said, and returned Haramaru's offered high five without looking at his cousin.

The 'man' stepped out of the screen, set his own bowl in mid-air, reached back in the screen, took the platter Ayame offered him, and pulled it out. The ramen-shop owner and his daughter waved as the screen rolled up and disappeared with an unpoof.

"Stay hungry, my friends," Discord advised, as he began to pass out bowls.

"Sweet Kami and Passions," Xena murmured.

"Yes?" Holo answered without a hint of shame.

"Xena, my dear spinny death thing welding niece," Discord said with a note of disappointment. "Family does not need to invoke me on that level."

The Warrior Queen, who was a hero of so many places it was just plain silly to try and list them, palmed her face. "So you've noted, _Uncle Dissy_."

"... do you not want the Nami Gourmet Spicy, then?" Discord teased.

"Gimme my ramen," the Warrior Queen demanded sullenly.

"Would the sweet niece like a pinch on the cheek with that?" Ami quipped.

"Older than you, know more tricks, certified Badass longer," Xena shot back.

"I'll behave, Xena-sama..."

"Wait, you're Xena-baa's-- so you really are one of my jii-jii!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Well, to be fair, you didn't _directly_ inherit anything from me--" Discord began.

"Are you baa-kun's uncle?" Naruto prompted flatly.

"Yes," Discord replied dutifully.

"Is she still married to Gabi-baa?" Haramaru asked, just as flatly.

"Yes," Discord admitted, a growing note of resignation in his voice.

"Do you find yourself driven to sow the _nice_ sort of Chaos around us?" Gabi inquired with a slowly growing smile, slurping up the last of her noodles.

"I suppose so," Discord admitted with a sigh.

The three Uzumaki looked at each other, then turned to Discord and with a cry of "Dee-jii!" executed a textbook Combijutsu: Glomp.

With a look of resigned amusement, Discord the Variable turned to Holo the Wise. "I'm doomed."

"In the best way possible," the Wolf of the Harvest agreed.

Gabi looked up at the Spirit of Harmonious Disharmony (he managed it). "You haven't been giving my grandson _pranking lessons_ , have you?"

Discord sighed. "I am both sad and proud to admit I didn't need to."

At her wife's glance, Xena just smirked. "Don't look at me, you know damn well where they got it from. He might be... a bit more dry witted about it than Kushi-chan was and a bit more... down to earth than _Drake_ -kun is... but their father was a trickster as much as a strategist."

"He's not that--" Gabi began.

"He's got _two up_ on me," Discord murmured. "And so's Naruto-- you still haven't explained the walrus, I'm on good terms with King Waldorf and he's not telling..." Discord turned pivoted his head to face Naruto.

Naruto just smirked.

"Yeah, he gets it from his grandpa," Gabi sighed.

"If anyone has earned the right..." Xena allowed.

"What's he like? Jii-san?" Naruto asked.

"If I may interrupt the family bonding," Holo the wise said, then blinked as one hand was filled with a fruit bowl stacked to overfilling with apples, and the other with a beef ramen bowl with extra beef.

"Give us a few, Wise-One, we've got a family starved clan head to shore up," Discord murmured.

Holo looked up at him smirking. " _Lady Rush_ has rubbed off on you."

"She does tend to," Discord mused with a grin. "Takes forever to wash the butter colour off. Now unless you want to turn down products of Sweet Apple Acres...?"

"And a bowl of the Greatest Pleasure for a side?" Holo shot back, looking scandalized. "I can wait for a few tales of our dear rounin to go by."

Discord smirked as the Wolf of the Harvest strode over to a tree and sat beneath it, licking her lips at the apples.

He settled himself between Xena and Gabi, an arm around each, and sipped his ramen through a straw as it floated before him. The toppings and noodles made it bulge comically. Smacking his lips and sighing with a pleasure Naruto recognized, he took a deep breath.

"The thing about your gramps, my dear Maelstrom of Fishcakes--" Discord smirked as Xena groaned and Gabi swatted his chest, "is that he's like a lot of your family. Surrogate or otherwise. Even me. When we set out to do something, we see it through. Even if the situation requires us to shift goals slightly or acknowledge we're on the wrong side, or there is no wrong side-- we don't give up."

"We find out both sides are wrong?" Xena said with a smirk. "Well then, we'll just become the right side ourselves. Both are right? Then they're wrong in not finding the compromise. My father taught me that."

"Exactly," Discord agreed. "Your jii-san was raised samurai, but his honour went beyond merely the standard expected of one's bushido. At one point in his life, he set out to end the terror of a Gedoushu. It wasn't his only goal, and he did not fixate on any one way he had to do it... which is one reason he succeeded."

"Jii-san killed a Gedoushu?"

"Yes," Discord said, and the earnestness in his usually playful voice made it clear it was so. It was too mundane, too not played up to not be. "And on the way... he lost his birth name and gained a new one."

Naruto knew his jaw dropped at that. He looked at Haramaru, who was just kind of blinking.

The two younger Uzumaki clambered to get comfortable before Discord.

"Now, the first time I met your Jii-san, he was traveling with a Keltic friend--"

##

**2242 h. Team Anko Meeting Room thing.**

"Actually," Holo explained with a smirk, "meditation-- at least, the kind your teachers are teaching you-- is _not_ the way to access the seal's control projection. In that case, you're learning to... well, to continue the weather metaphor, it's teaching you to keep going when your mind is experiencing a brainstorm."

They sat in what had apparently been an entertainment room until a trap had misfired. Danzou's Anko was apparently planning to move said room to another part of the floor that wasn't under a room that required a battering ram to secure. The floor had been replaced... and the ceiling... and other load and non-load bearing structures... and now the room, with a single low table and many cushions served as meeting space.

Naruto thought for a moment, then slowly nodded. "So... it's more like trying to find something I know is hidden in a certain area..."

Holo smiled, pleased. She had _known_ the murmurs she had heard around town on occasion were the millworkers of gossip clucking over the hull of the grain as if they had the wheat's germ. Naruto was as brilliant and interesting as his parents. He just came at things from angles few considered, and was still developing the ways to let other people in on his thoughts.

"You do recall when I hid that new plant in your apartment?" Discord offered with a smirk. She spoke with the same voice, despite being in the form of a red-headed woman with gentle curves, a shy smile, bob cut hair and a black ink-line-thin handlebar mustache. Technically, the Spirit of Challenging Change was older than Holo, but her fellow kami was deferring to her.

It was rather flattering-- this was the being that had stymied Celestia and Luna for so long, after all, and the Dawn Drawer and Herald of Night were no pushovers.

Naruto blinked, then groaned. "So it's gonna be even harder to find, since I know the place so well I have to get around all the places I'd hide it in. Not being able to stick a live plant in the freezer without it dying, for example."

"Ah, but once you considered what I could do... and my particular humour..." Discord smirked.

"Makes me wish I knew dad better," Naruto said sadly, and Holo's heart broke. Some parts of her family... her third son Marc had been so set on never seeing her again after his father died, she had only recently reconnected with that branch of the family despite Kells being rather close to Ayesburg, in the grand scheme of things.

"Ah, come now," Discord said consolingly. "Surely Kakashi, Rin, others have slipped you a few stories. I know I've told you the one about how I met your father's team a dozen times--"

"And those are great, and you were trying to help even with the law," Naruto said, and his smile was far too bittersweet for a boy his age. "But... that's the Minato _you_ knew. When you get to telling me stories about Kushina, even Gabi-baa and Xena-baa's stories will be about _their daughter_. I lost my chance to know _my tou-san_ and _my kaa-san_ when some bastard decided to tear the Nine-Tails out of Kaa-san. I'll never know who they would have been _to me_."

Discord reached out and wrapped an arm around the young nin. "That's true. I'm a different person with all my friends and all combinations of them. I sometimes forget that isn't a quark unique to me."

"You mean a quirk," Holo corrected mildly.

"That too," Discord agreed.

"And history," Naruto smirked. "I mean, I love it. But I already know history's Sarutobi Hiruzen sort of _includes_ my Jii-jii, but ... you have to squint to see him," Naruto explained with a sigh.

"Knowing your father second-hand is troublesome. Luckily, you have help," Holo explained. "Not just Discord and myself, my little _Maelstrom_. Has someone told you how summoning works?"

"Oh, yeah!" Naruto said with a grin. "Ichimaru told me today! It's kind of like Jii-jii's... viewing globe trick. The contract handles the what, who you can call on, from where, and why of it. The hand signs complete the jutsu with when, who in particular, to where, and how."

"Well, yes," Holo admitted. "I mean, hand signs are what you nin tend to use. Between humour and nature Discord usually operates on gut instinct. I find singing helps me focus best. Hakumei-- she pictures equations to cast jutsu and finds using physical components distracting. Her teacher's sister, Luna... she recites poetry in Middle Equestrian. Young Maito's summons-- the four sons of their boss, Ningame... all use Kata the way the Samurai use their Mai, posing to control flow. They learned that from their sensei, the Rat Sage Mokuhen. And then there's... Discord, it's been awhile. What's the closest thing to _runes_ and _pictograms_...?" Holo mused.

"Mojikara," Discord offered.

"Yes, that," Holo agreed. "The people of the land of the Pharohs often use prepared strips of paper with the appropriate pictograms for their oldest language for..." she trailed off as the young Uzumaki's eyes narrowed.

"You can use mojikara to control jutsu in whole or in part...?"

"Oh, Celestia's Sweet Tooth," Discord murmured, a small smile on her face.

Holo frowned thoughtfully. "Well, you'd have to 'translate' it if you only know the hand signs-- I had to figure out how to change the note I call _A Major_ to Rat-Boar to share some of my farm working arts with the Bungi clan--"

"But mojikara should work, right?" Naruto pressed.

"Yes," Holo agreed. And blinked as the Uzumaki practically vanished. She turned to Discord, who flowed into his usual chimeric form.

"Holo," the Spirit of Change said, wrapping an arm around her. "You just made my grand-nephew's _life_."

"He's good with seals, then?" Holo mused.

"The way a Schnee is good with runes," Discord answered mildly.

Holo blinked. "Oh... oh my word. Discord, while I am no stranger to mischief--"

"Die is cast, just spare a thought in pity for the poor Sphere," Discord assured her.

"I can hear my Laurence chuckling at me..." Holo mused sadly.

##

Naruto closed the three books he'd been consulting, and nodded. "I think I've got it!"

"Good! What's the paper for?" Discord asked, frowning as he took the rice and wood papers from Naruto.

He liked the way Xena and Gabi's little grandson looked at him even now. It was the way Cary or Dash did, as if him being a kami was barely a thing.

Naruto looked at him as if he was nuts. "Well, Dee-jii, I kind of need something to put the mojikara on--"

"Nonsense, you can just project it in the air," Discord said, waving a hand dismissively. And he rolled up the paper and ate it. "Mm. I do love the organic bleaching agents you use in production here."

"Well, I'm working on it," Naruto admitted. "But even with my element, it's kinda hard projecting my Hyouji on nothing--"

"Ah," Holo said, nodding.

"You see his problem too," the draconequus noted, pleased.

"Entirely conceptual," Holo agreed, nodding.

"What?" Naruto asked, a slight crossness in his voice.

With a wave of his lion's paw like hand, Discord gestured to a now purple cloud before Naruto's face. "Do you know what this is, Naruto?"

"A... purple cloud?" Naruto said uncertainly.

"No. It's air," Discord said gently. "All I've done is make the oxygen in it red, and the nitrogen blue."

"Other than that... and a rather pleasant vanilla scent..." Holo noted.

"Oops," Discord murmured.

"..it's no different from the air you're breathing slightly closer to your face," the Wise Wolf finished.

Discord and Holo looked at Naruto.

Naruto blinked at the purple cloud, frowned, turned to Discord and opened his mouth as if to ask a question, closed it again, turned to look at the cloud thoughtfully... then his eyes went wide, his face flushed, and his palm hit his forehead.

"Ah, there it is," Discord sighed with pleasure.

" _Air isn't nothing, duh!_ " the young Uzumaki groaned.

"Rather like watching my eldest boy figure something out," Holo admitted.

Naruto smirked, and held out his hand...

"Who do I want to summon?" he asked with a frown.

"Bring young Ichimaru here," Holo suggested. "And the best to help you would be their contract keeper, Lani."

Naruto nodded, and pulled out another piece of paper. "For a rough draft or two," he explained, and Discord nodded his acceptance. Hakumei would have taught him that habit. At least he hadn't picked up her obsessive organization to the point that he was insisting on eighteen drafts and a dozen checklists.

Naruto held his hand out again over the paper.

Discord was pleased to see open wonder on the Passion of Bounty's face; for beings as old as they, wonder was a boon.

He wasn't surprised that each animal hand seal was simply represented by its single character counterpart in Hi's script. Naruto paused to ask what Hikara the two foxes he was petu- petishut--

"Petitioning," Holo supplied.

"Yeah! That!"

\-- prefered their names written in, and set those down too.

Then came simplification-- and Naruto, not working in ink but in his own chakra had an advantage here since he could just move what he had around. First, Ichimaru's name was shifted so that the characters overlapped Then, each character was twisted so that lines overlapped, becoming darker. Once that was done, the dimmest lines-- the ones with the least amount of overlap-- were erased. Naruto pressed his hand into the page and when he raised it, the characters were fixed with a nice little label showing the words the new symbol was based on.

"Do you think Lani-san will hold on to these for me?" Naruto asked, as he repeated the process with the contract holder's name. "The originals-- could be abused, and I--"

"She will," Holo assured him. "Your father trusted her and a few other summons in a similar way."

"Cool," Naruto said, a bit preoccupied by his work. Anyone who thought Uzumaki Naruto an inattentive fool would have been stunned. Things he _wanted_ to do, or saw _needed_ to be done... well, if anyone doubted his parentage... they need only see him do such things.

Finished condensing Lani's name, Naruto pursed his lips at the string of characters linked to the summoning jutsu. Then he put the characters for his name before it--

"Why did you write it as Maelstrom and Fishcakes, and then add 'prefers Cat Food'?" Discord wondered.

"Sort of a password system," Naruto explained, pausing in his work. "Your off the shelf storage tag just uses a common matrix. A more secure one might use a hand seal sequence or a password set when you put things in it. The one I've got in my jacket pocket holding my basic ninja tools and my prank/ sab kit has my name and a different 'tag'. Anyone can open a standard storage with chakra. They'll have to untangle my matrix to open mine-- and add the lines to complete it like I do."

"Words that describe him as the creator but not the seal's function make that harder," Holo added. Discord nodded.

"I see. Do you use the same phrase--"

"No," Naruto said, shaking his head. "My normal storage seal describes me as the 'Ramen Sage'. My private notebooks use something that only me, Kakashi-nii, one of the ANBU that often guarded me, and Jii-jii know-- and only Kashi-nii knows enough of sealing theory to untangle them. I'm going to add another phrase as I simplify this that I won't tell you."

"Cat Food," Holo mused. "The... artist? Napata? That's one of her aliases."

"Well, there goes that idea for a family brunch..." Discord mused.

Naruto just smirked and went about condensing the seal, adding lines and removing lines as he went. He labeled this one 'Naruto's Amazing summoning seal!'. "The Fishcakes thing is actually a bit of ... well, as the Drews of Sphere's end put it, ' _shmuck bait'._ Someone sloppy might reverse engineer one of my seals, assume they've found my secret, and then try and figure out the useful point to the rest of it."

"And using the misreading those you care about tease you with... Devious." Discord had to smirk at that.

"There's that. Okay," Naruto mused, he said, biting his thumb and thrusting it forward.

The seals half formed on Discord's coloured air, like someone had given up on them partway through.

Naruto frowned. "I'd use Kage Bunshin to practice, but that'd lead to a bunch of partial active seals. And doing that with a space/ time jutsu..."

"Good thought," Holo agreed with a shudder. She frowned. "Is stroke order important?"

"Yes," Naruto half grumbled. "Even a seal I know well and can form in a breath on paper, strokes have to at least _finish_ in the right order." Taking a deep breath, Naruto looked at his hand, frowned, and bit his thumb again. Again he thrust his hand forward.

This time, his new summoning seal and the one that defined Ichimaru were crisp and perfect. They held a moment, then the Ichimaru one spun and merged with the summoning seal.

"Ichimaru! I _choose you!_ "

There was a puff of smoke. "Your mom did the silly unneeded declaration thing too," Ichimaru grumbled.

"Did she summon you... with fuinjutsu forged of her own _chakra_?" Discord announced dramatically.

Ichimaru turned, grinning. "D-nii!"

"Ichi-sempai!" Discord shot back.

The two shared a fist bump.

There was a pause.

"No, neither of us are going to ask how that works," Holo noted drily.

"You're baiting me, D-jii?" Naruto wondered. "Really?"

"Point," Discord conceded.

"Wait," Ichimaru said, blinking. "He used _what_ to summon me?"

Discord just gave Naruto a nod. The blond smirked.

"Oh great foxy contract keeper, head my call!"

The seals formed faster this time, and again Lani's and Naruto's summoning seal merged to one at the last second.

"Who--"

The new fox, who had the colours most people thought of by default when you said 'fox' to them and had eight tails, stopped mid-question and rose one of her hand-like front paws to her muzzle.

"Ichi-kun... is this...?" she began.

"Makafushigi Lani, please meet Uzumaki Naruto. Naruto, my great aunt, the Keeper of Scrolls and Contract mistress of Makafushigi Den, Lani."

"Nice to meet you, Lani-baa!" Naruto said cheerfully.

The fox took two steps closer, then closed the distance between them and hugged Naruto.

"Your mother was supposed to be here," Lani murmured.

Discord met Holo's eyes. The Wise Wolf nodded, and the two kami gave Ichimaru a nod before they slipped away.

Some things, even the kami admit they are not meant to privy to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Naruto's summons mostly come from Vulpine, by the Awesome Saphroneth. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7183151/1/Vulpine


	3. Dreamtime for Kyuubi

**_ABOVE_ **

"... well fuck," were Kurama's first words to his new keeper.

"... you were hoping I was Kaa-san, weren't you?" the blond said, pouting.

"Oh, double fuck. Did you really have no option beside your kid, Bite-Size?" Kurama grumbled to himself, rubbing his temples.

"... you called my dad Bite-Size?" the boy said, smirking.

The nine-tailed fox smirked right back. "It was a compliment, most of you humans barely rate chewing."

The boy chortled, then offered a bow and a wai. "Uzumaki Naruto! Lani said you should be the one to tell me your name!"

"Lani always one for manners," the Kyuubi agreed, and nodded his head. "Kurama the Nine-tails, the Monster Fox, Bane of Gedoushu, Eater of Horrors, Sage's Friend, The Angry Hunter, The Rampaging Blessing, The Cleaner. Father of Nine, Grandpa so many damn times it ain't funny. Likely more, given how old you are. And a bunch of other titles, but really it's gotten ridiculous."

"So... what would you prefer I call you?"

"... Kurama's fine between us. Don't just give it to other people without permission; it's not a secret name, per se. It's just I prefer to be the one to share it."

"Fair enough," Naruto agreed with a shrug. Then he looked around. "Huh. Funny. Your sister and Ichimaru were supposed to join me meeting you in the seal's symbolic thingie."

Kurama frowned, looking around at the forest that surrounded them. "Come to think, unless you tweaked it or Minato changed the defaults, I should be caged the first time I wake up."

Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"I... can be _really_ grumpy when I wake up," Kurama allowed.

"Suppose it makes sense, then," Naruto said. "Funny, this looks like the forest in these recurring dreams I've had... almost as long as I can remember."

"Hey, yeah," Kurama mused. "Come to think, I've dreamed of this place. At first, I thought it was just the forest around your parent's hometown, but it seems... grander." He settled on his haunches and rested his chin on his right palm. "Almost... bigger. Like that time Celly dragged me on to the Plain of Elevation for a Timeout. Possibly also similar to the dreamtime quests of a Sphere's End mojo... Hmm..."

"This help you think?"

Kurama blinked, and looked down at his left paw. Naruto was held in a loose fist, with his thumb stroking the boy's head.

"... Yes, actually, " Kurama admitted, and then he set Naruto down as it came to him. "Aha! I have it!"

"It's an intelligence test!" Naruto offered.

"No! And that's far less common than you'd think," Kurama observed dryly. "But you're part right. Tell me... do you know of a pair of Hyuuga twins--"

"Ranma-sensei and Ranko-sensei! Yeah!" Naruto agreed. "It's weird, in a few of my dreams--"

"They were merged into one being!" Kurama agreed. "And changing between the male and female was accompanied by--"

"A slooshy sound, like a wave of water! Yeah!" Naruto said, nodding. "Come to think, I met Gai-sensei's godson recently, and he gave me this weird sense of... importance. Not quite deja-vu. His name is Gus--"

"Short for August?" Kurama prompted.

"Yeah! And a samurai who's part of a group of seven. A man a little younger than Anko-sensei and Gai-sensei."

"Shiba Takeru," Kurama guessed. "Tell me, you've maybe met a horse named--"

"Hakumei!" Naruto crowed. "She's the boss of Rin-nee's summons contract! And my friend, Rose Summer-- she and her husband are thinking of having a kid, and decided on Red for a boy..."

"And Ruby for a girl...?" the Fox risked.

"No, _I_ suggested that. In one of my dreams, I saw a girl... the name would just fit her..."

The Fox nodded. "My dear Orange Morsel--"

"Ah, so that _is_ a thing," Naruto murmured.

"Hush, nin," Kurama admonished. "I'm summating. I do believe someone is _sending_ us dreams."

"Still need to get rid of the assumption of agency there, Foxy," a new voice said.

"YIPE!" jinchuuriki and bijuu said; as Naruto leap up, Kurama caught him in his right front leg-- which pretty well doubled as an arm-- and clutched him close. The fox held out his left arm in an aggressive pose.

"Show yourself!" the Kyuubi commanded. "I have youkai and an Uzumaki, and I'm not afraid to use them! Youkai can can boil skin away, and the average Uzumaki can set off around fifty S-class jutsu a day!"

"And in all this excitement, I can't be sure how many I've done! Could be fourty-nine! Could be twenty-five! So there's really only one question! Do you feel lucky?"

"Well?" Kurama pressed, thrusting Naruto forward as the young nin made the ram seal. " _Do_ you? _Baka_?"

"And what if," the voice drawled, "as a show of peace... I were to offer you... pizza?"

"... thin crust...?" Naruto queried, and Kurama knew the young nin's eyes were narrowing as his were.

"... no," the voice admitted, as a form emerged from the trees.

That dark hair.

Those matching eyes.

The rugged stubble.

The cocky grin.

The twin katana strapped to his back.

"Goddamnit, Wade," Naruto and Kurama said as one, the fox pulling the boy back.

Kurama looked down at the boy clutched to his chest. Naruto looked up at him. They shared a few blinks.

"Who the hell are you! Why am I picturing you in a red and black mask! Does it have anchovies?"

"It better have anchovies, Wade-who-I'm-sure-I've-never-met," Kurama growled.

"Simmer down, boys," 'Wade' said. "Yes, it has anchovies, and if you settle down a bit, I'll explain to you and the folks reading along at home what's going on."

"... Who would read us?" Naruto wondered. "He's a temperamental fox and I'm a hyperactive prankster with learning issues."

"... about a thousand and a half people a chapter-- tops-- last I checked," the man offered.

"... sounds about right," Naruto admitted.

"I can't see us in a best seller," Kurama agreed.

##

For those of you waiting for it-- settle down.

I'm trying not to freak them out here.

But, uhm... yeah. Your papa Wade still knows you're there. And you're all lovely for loving me!

... Ed B., I would never dream of touching your pocket watch. Or your dick. FYI.

Why are you arming Ed B, JG? Aw, JG, I thought we were tight! Co-members of the Bea Arthur fanclub tight! No, Bob, don't remind him he's trained in combat mime! Now the blanks will _hurt_! Damn it, guys!

Ed B... You wouldn't want to defer this a bit, would you? No? Well then CHAPTER BREAK SAVE ME--

##

They were sat around a fire, because Wade said that was the setting for talks like this.

"How come you look all beat up now?" Naruto wondered.

Wade waved him off. "Never mind. And that was only a scene break. Bastard. Yeah, yeah, listen to the Raven, shut it, I'm expositing, you want to know this stuff, right? Oh. Oh. Bob. HURTFUL words, Bob! Hurtful! Where was I? First off," the strange man said, "I'm Wade. Some call me Old Man Wade, or other frankly vaguely unflattering or sarcastic things, so Wade will do. And I... don't run this place so much as observe and look after it."

"Where are we?" Naruto said, looking around at the forest surrounding them. "Because I'm seeing trees, but I'm also seeing seal matrices and... yeah, equations. Almost like Hakumei-san is drilling me again, but the drill's a complex equation-- maybe even an algorithm I don't think I could figure out without a bunch of extra readings."

"Really? That's good. All three of those-- the trees, the matrices, the algorithmic equations, all do the same thing. The thing a well designed computational seal's interface does, to use your world's parlance."

"It's a metaphor," Kurama mused. "Something simple filling in for something complex."

"Did either of you ever hear the story of how King Roland Deschain of Gilead defeated the Man in Black? As opposed to Mr. Black, who's a really hoppy frood."

"Oh! Jackie-nee told me that one!" Naruto crowed.

"Mm. Your mother and father met the True Gunslinger several times," Kurama said. "Oddest mix of a romantic and a pragmatist you'll ever meet."

"Remember how Walter tried to break Roland?" Wade prompted.

"Sure. He kept showing him the next biggest thing--" Naruto began, then stopped. Blinking, looking around, the Uzumaki stood. "First... he showed him Gilead."

Kurama settled on his haunches, nodding. "Then he showed him all of Sphere's end. All of South Far Red Line. All of Far Red..."

"The whole Sphere," Wade took it up. "The Sphere and its three moons-- the Turtle, the Rabbit, the Bear... Old man Solar with the Sphere and the other six planets in his system going around him. The Big Disc, your Galaxy-- always never letting him forget where Gilead was in the current picture."

"And then, the entire universe," Kurama murmured. "First, just the level of typical human experience and then all the layers of space and time encompassing and contained within it."

"And then all the universes close to ours, all the while screaming 'Let there be light!'" Naruto said, touching a tree/ seal/ equation set reverently. "Oh, wow."

"And Roland kept his sanity," Wade said with a chuckle, "by telling himself, 'One blade of grass among many,' over and over."

"He once told your parents he made _our_ blade of grass purple," Kurama noted with a grin.

"Wade-jii," Naruto said, still touching the tree, "are... are these trees like Roland's grass?"

Wade's face grew serious. "What happens when the interface-- the metaphor used to let anyone with a monochrom of intelligence interact with a seal-- is done badly?"

Naruto turned to Wade, an odd haunted look in his eyes. "Well, if you're lucky, it fizzles. The interface breaks down, or doesn't connect to the seal and nothing happens."

Kurama frowned. "And if you're unlucky?"

"The same thing that happens when you ignore the failsafes and warnings of any good interface," Naruto explained. "You'd better know what you're doing, or you could destroy the seal or whatever its processing. Results can vary, depending on whether it's processing information, storing an item... or, say, keeping a bijuu and his jinchuuriki together."

Kurama froze, then slowly turned to Wade. "In my dreams, a few people- that August person, someone that looks like one of the patron kami of Ame-"

"Madoka," Wade supplied.

"Yes. All of them, at one point or another, note that 'The old tree is dying'..."

Wade sighed.

"No one, not even the oldest of the 'Admins' that used to tend to it, knew how old Yggdrasil was when it started to break down. And I would put even money on whether it was the problem Naruto mentioned or the second problem that caused the breakdown. But in the end, whoever designed it failed in two vital ways."

"Size,” Naruto managed, plunking down beside Kurama and grabbing a slice of pizza. "They tried to contain all those universes in one thing, but every time you go a level up... sure, all my stupid cells combine to create the Awesome Future Kage... but other cells take the form of other people."

"... it would be like the legends all we bijuu came from one ten-tailed beast," Kurama said, growling. "Assuming that a common source is the only reason for our common traits."

"The metaphor was a good idea," Wade granted. "But... well, it was greedy reductionism to use just _one_ tree."

"... it was trying to take it down a level too far...?" Naruto mused aloud.

"You don't use the language of space-time jutsu or the Physics of Quantum things to describe how a flower grows," Kurama said with an amused grunt.

"More than that," Wade sighed. "It ignored something else. Naruto, you said you saw the Grove here as algorithmic functions, right?"

"Yeah," Naruto said.

"Tell me," Wade pressed, "what do you see where the branches cross?"

"It's like...that's where the two algorithms have a similar result, or are at a stage where they do the same thing. They don't share it, exactly, but... it's where they meet."

"Here," the strange but familiar man held out his hand. "Give me your hand. I'd like to shake it. I'd like to tell you you're my friend. And prove a point."

Naruto gamely took it in the Keltic style, grabbing his wrist.

"Now," Wade said, "If a sage were to use a powerful seal array attached to a lens in a microscope and focused on the atoms that make up you and me-- what would he see where your right ring finger touches my wrist?"

Naruto blinked. "Uh... oh. Oh! Just... piles of atoms. And they'd look pretty close, carbon and all that, right?"

"Exactly," Wade agreed. "Looking too closely at it gives you a false sense that the entirety of existence is just a puddle of stuff, interchangeable, separated by arrangement. On the other hand, paying too much attention to things at the day to day level gives us the illusion there's this third thing, the boundary between you and me."

Kurama snorted. "The boundary is the meeting place--" the fox stopped, slumped forward, grabbed another slice of pizza, and jammed it in his mouth.

Naruto slowly nodded. "The people that built Yggdrasil... they tried to make it this one big thing with the old tree. Like in the Sphere's End tales of Babylon's Dark Tower and the Beams, trying to force the way you want things to work on the universe."

Wade nodded. "And when that went screwy, the Admins-- the folks that inherited the broken system all the while being told this was just how it was, drew the lines as best they could. And as things got bad, they tried to hold off the decay."

"How?" Kurama prompted, raising his head slightly.

"They were called Anchors," Wade said. "Any time one particular reality that was under the old tree seen as the 'main line' for a particular set degraded too much, the Admins would start a timeloop."

"From the start of, like... that reality's creation?" Naruto said.

"No. Part of the system was the Anchors. You'd start at point A, which was just a point they could say started a certain person's 'real' story, with an ending that could be fixed but sometimes extended if they couldn't keep the timeline from expanding. And each Loop had an Anchor who subjectively experienced each and every Loop-- from a story perspective,they'd be the main character or at least a vital one."

"Sounds... dodgy. What we'd call a kludge in seal making," Naruto said.

Kurama nodded. "Mito and your parents used the term. It works, barely, and isn't at all elegant."

"Which showed," Wade agreed. "Anchors... sometimes they'd start a Loop earlier in their reality's grand timeline, and sometimes they'd be used to stabilize another Loop, and sometimes they'd replace an Anchor in another Loop. But the point was, they and the other people who'd join them-- Loopers who didn't always Loop, but often did... would stabilize Yggdrasil."

Naruto sighed. "But the old tree died. So even then, the metaphor and what it was connected to were sort of... separating." Naruto met Wade's eyes. "Were you an Anchor?"

Wade snorted. "Reality and I have always had... an odd relationship. There are times I blink, and can swear I see someone nicknamed LitaJ reading this as text and imagining it in their head while Rake1810 is upset they aren't 'getting' all the 'references'. Other times I think I'm in a manga written by a Korean-Japanese-American and drawn by his Japanese wife. Hey, Ki-bak, hey Rumi!"

He apparently listened and watched a moment.

"They say hey. And now they're taking a break, cause this fourth wall stuff is getting freaky. But in another world, a guy named Edddie Not B who's always liked ravens is wondering... is he seeing what's happening to us now as he writes... or is it just that in the infinite number of universes, there's one where he is writing a scene that just happens to echo exactly what I'm saying now."

"Are the branches crossing, or is it cosmic coincidence?" Kurama offered with a smirk. "Or are you even seeing them?"

"And as far as I can tell, as I read JGKitarel's beta comment in Eddie D's Google Doc and sigh in agreement-- the answer to all of those questions is 'yes'," Wade said with a shrug and a resigned sigh. "Whatever it was, I know I started Looping shortly after they started doing it, and no one turned me 'on' who'd admitt it. Besides my wives."

"So... I was a Looper?" Naruto wondered.

"No," Wade said. "Me and my family are the only beings that used to Loop in Yggdrasil left. August Blake-- and this was Admin-Gus-- he's the one that realized the damage done was too great...

##

I remember, dear readers. I was there.

Oh, and for Eddie's sanity (stop laughing, traitorous beta readers-- okay, that's a nice Overlord Special, JG, but give the man a break-- and Bobby... do you _really_ wanna get into skewed definitions of sanity? I be kettle, Mr. Pot), Imma put a nice old Wade said Asimov Union Club Mystery style right down there.

I was there, [Wade said, see, I'm a good little boy] when Gus and the few that believed him met to hear his plan.

Gus's home reality was one of the first to Crash. In worlds where it was fiction, it was often called the Image-left-us-but-we're-still-cool-verse. What? Oh, right, sorry. The Ultraverse. You see how I could make that totally non-editorialising mistake.

Disclaimer: The transcriber of my words fucking LOVED a lot of the Ultraverse.

My point is, that Gus, the gus I'm talking about now... he'd lived through a reality going bye, and he wanted to set things up so something could replace what Yggdrasil was damaging.

I arrived just after he showed Naruto-- and anyone I name right now was the Anchor, Looper, or Admin of that name-- he had just shown the old Naruto Yggdrasil from outside. Naruto noted it was dying, and Gus told him to turn around and look.

"Where are we?" Naruto asked.

"An extended metaphor," Gus said. I rated it a four out of five as quips went, dry and leaded into the meat of the matter nicely, well timed. "A tree needs to be planted somewhere, Uzumaki. Madoka planted hers here."

"It's gorgeous!" a man emerging from the grove declared. The largest trees were a quarter Yggdrasil's size, but that was only obvious with the larger infinity of Yggdrasil right beside them.

Try some headache pills, even I needed them that day.

The man coming out was My Bro from Another Loop, the Journalist so Gonzo, G the Great and ol' Hunter both paid him mad love, the man who will tell you the TRUTH... Spider fucking Jerusalem!

Spider was the best reporter I've ever met, and that's stiff competition. I knew Pete and Clark at their apex.

Spider went from maniac to serious in the blink of an eye. "Have you told him?"

"Told me what?" Naruto asked.

Gus took a deep breath. "Naruto. We're done. Yggdrasil goes, all the Anchors, Loopers, and their non-looping friends go too. I'm... trying to give you all the option to go with your head held high. Twilight and her crew have already entered the ground."

Naruto slowly nodded. "You're saying Yggdrasil is breaking down. And like a rotting tree, it'll feed the new realities-- the new grove here."

"Madoka's planted her sapling. Hephaestus has been tracking it... there was a seed or seedling for every Admin, Anchor and Looper, and we were able to find more seeds around. They just need to be nurtured to grow and bloom."

Naruto looked hard at Gus. "And you're going to run it, Blake-san?"

August had this sad smile a thousand times worse than a frown. "Naruto... there's no Ultraverse seed. There'll be no August Blake in the new order, at least none based on me. I'm the ideal candidate."

"... I won't exist. Carolina, Sakura, Kakashi-sensei, Sasuke, Nanoha..."

"No," Gus agreed. "You and them will not exist. But there will be worlds with Uzumaki Naruto and his wife, Carolina Church. They'll picnic every once and a while with their friends Nanoha and Fate, and have kids, and live out one set of possibilities for when a Naruto and a Carolina do those things. Hell, in some, they'll even be a nin and a freelancer. In some... fuck, maybe Usagi will look down at her newborns and name them Rini and Naruto, who knows?"

"What about the Baselines, our Canons--"

Gus was relentless. "The Baselines were all arbitrary, Naruto, the version of you that caught the eye of a creator easiest in the Hub-- which will be gone too. Each Naruto will write his own story in an infinite number. Many will be like the Hub recorded... but none of them will be you." Gus placed a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "Look, I've got to talk to the others. Belandy and her family and friends all went... except Skuld. She's holding out. She's... one of my five best friends. I'm gonna try to... say good-bye, at least."

"Yeah. Yeah, okay," Naruto managed, then met Gus' eyes. "I... thought you only really had Madoka, Ranma, and Skuld as friends."

Gus patted Naruto's shoulder. "Kicking my ass in a fair fight? Isn't that how folks like you and the Ace of Aces befriend people? So it took the two of you, you still won."

And he walked away.

That's when I bounced over. "A multiverse without Angst-gust Blakes for sweet, lovable Wade Wilsons to try to bother/ bromance/ seduce/ frappe? Intrepid reporter, my favourite boy ninja-- TANJ if that happens!"

"Oh, I'd sooner jack off that police dog I told you about after replacing his dick with a horsecock," Spider agreed with his best outlaw reporter grin.

"I always figured... somehow..." Naruto murmured. "Me and Carolina-- this us-- would get a universe where her nutcases and mine were in the same place."

"It'll still happen. Just... not for us," a familiar voice said.

Yeah. Carolina's the Red-head you saw. No, I won't tell you ALL about her.

Because despite my trollish tendencies, I don't set out to hurt friends beyond functioning.

Listen to the Fox. He is wise, and you are barely bite-size.

Anyway, Carolina walks over, and she and Naruto hug while the three guys that came with her watched respectfully.

"It took me too many Loops to get this, Uzumaki-- but life owes us nothing," Carolina said. "It doesn't owe us a life together, hot threesomes with Kaolla, picnics with Nanoha and Fate, reading Twilight's latest find, pranking anyone in sight, or even a goodbye." They separated slightly. "But we don't earn any of it, either. We just get it."

They skillfully ignored my bawling and Spider's snide remarks followed by him crying and embracing me.

Naruto smiled at her. "Spend the end of the Multiverse with me, Church-chan?"

"You just had to ask, Mr. Uzumaki," Carolina said. "But... after the plotting trio here say their piece."

I turned. "Dramatic gasp!" I said. "Angus Macgyver, David Xanatos, and Shinji Ikari, all plotting together."

"So that was the chill I felt," Spider said dully.

"Shinji also consulted with his dad," David said helpfully.

I turned my sexy masked face to Spider. "Jerusalem..."

"I know, Wilson," Spider returned. "I'm scared too."

As we started to wail about being doomed without a drink or pizza, but at least that was the end of taxes, Angus sighed. "Look, Gus gave us that speil and... well, we think it's bullshit." When Angus cussed, it _meant_ something. "Shinji and I went over the... Elijah Snow would call it 'Description Theory' underneath the tree metaphor here, and Gus could well be the seed for a new Ultraverse because of his memories... no, more like he'll bring bits of the Ultraverse as nutrients to each tree. And also... some of us go up."

"Go up..." Naruto looked up, and grinned at the light. "Plants need light. Right. So Gus is pulling a Baseline-Harry style self-sacrifice sulk. But..." Naruto frowned. "Don't we need someone out here anyway, to take care of things."

"Naruto," David Xanatos asked earnestly, "do you tend every inch of Konoha's forest?"

Naruto blinked, and slowly nodded. "Only the parts we want to do certain things. And that may be exactly what we don't need with the new realities, right."

It was at that moment, as David shared their brilliant plan to have Naruto and Carolina drag August "Needs Therapy" Blake into the new multiverse with Spider providing snark alongside honest advice that I, Wade Wilson, using my gloriously unhinged, sexy, beautiful lime green brain did have a masterstroke.

Maybe what we needed wasn't someone who would just let the new multiverse be, or fiddle with every little bit to meet some model ideal of it.

Maybe we needed someone who _got_ that reality was wild and crazy and could work with that. Maybe _that_ was the ticket!

And in that case, there were perfect candidates among the Anchors.

Sadly, Pinkie Pie and Luna Lovegood had already made the leap.

With a heavy heart, I decided I would have to do.

And that I'd keep my family with me.

And a pizza oven.

Oh, and mine and Doom's MLP:FiM/ Golden Girls crossover fic.

Because, seriously, Bea/ Twi? OTP, bros.

And... cue third person narrative... now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... rake1810, the annotations are coming soon, I promise...


	4. Elsewhere

_"Everywhere is home to somebody."_ _  
_ _\--Uzumaki G., "An Open Letter to Lord Sal and Lady Sakura"_

**Mizu-bi, 5 Mi, 13th year of the Sandaime's Second Reign, 3048. South Blue, off the coast of Enlightenment, Sphere's End. South of the Grandline. 0400h Konoha Time. 1700h local time.**

Nico Robin read the letter from Sarutobi Hiruzen again, and a small smile played on her lips. She'd been hoping for years, since the death of her old research partner and her husband, to get such a letter from the Hokage.

No more being the remote 'Auntie Wrestler'.

She felt strong hands rest on her shoulders and leaned back. Her husband's smell, of dirt and gun metal and Dust, joined the chorus sung by her books.

"Keep smiling like that, I'm gonna assume you're happy," her husband rumbled.

"He's already sent a message to the Fioren, and Yuugao has surely contacted her cousins; hopefully Lady Xena and Lady Gabrielle as well," she noted, then frowned. "The Samurai may be hard to track down. And in Fiore, there's some concern. The Mage Council is making irritated noises, and Natsu had some concerns with the way Makarov was acting after the last meeting. Claimed he seemed far too grumpy. There's been suggestions of travel restrictions. The _Grump_ and her sisters are berthed at Hargeon, and Suzi sent Mochi by--"

"I know, I saw the furball sunning himself near Nami's mikans."

"-- and she and her husband don't like the way the dock authority are looking at the ship, or the number of Therans they're seeing."

Her husband's hands froze in stroking her shoulders. "Therans...?"

"Hopefully, nothing," Robin sighed. "But Barrington has the entire Ploughsheers fleet ready to pull out, by air if need be. And Lucy added to the letter, saying Makarov... did not say no to Sir Raptor's offer to get as many members of Fairy Tail, Log Horizon, Celestia Scholar, and Blackened Knight away as possible should the worst come to pass."

He took a deep breath. "We're seeing Naruto soon. So will the Fioren; if he has to call in every favour and cut his way through any Theran that looks at him funny, he will. If it comes down to it, he'll bring their Royal Majesties and the giant too."

"He swore he would, when the time came," Robin agreed. "As did I."

"And your vows are mine."

"Cal," she murmured, not quite a protest.

He nudged her chin, guiding her to meet his eyes. "The moment we married, your vows became mine. Jardine Calaway keeps his word. Rest assured, anyone that gets between us and that boy... will rest in peace but die in terror."

She kissed him. "If I don't get to them first. And that's if they haven't told Hope."

##

**Lamplighter's All-Welcome Hospice, near Farpoint Airship Lighthouse, Redtouch, Barsaive at 1810 h, local time.**

"Thank you, Bella," she said to the winged horse, "do not let us keep you--"

The horse snorted, her shining pink mane glinting in the suitably-poetic-and-appropriate-to-the-time-of-day light. There was likely a metaphor there, but Asuna wasn't the one to find that. "Beg pardon, Lady Asuna, but if you read the missive, you'll see that Lord Armour and Princess Cadence would have my hide if I left. Never mind Aunt Argo."

The lady glanced to her black-clad lord. Jasno shrugged. "If your mothers' allies consider it that important..."

Asuna nodded, opening the scroll. She scanned her mother's familiar _leaf script_ Higo... and gave a surprised laugh.

"Janny," she said, taking his hand, "where's Yui?"

"She... should be just inside--" the elf began, frowning at her in puzzlement.

"Bring her!"

"Asuna--"

"Jasno, Kaa-san and Meetra are _in Konoha_!" Yuki pressed.

Janso blinked, then grinned, turning and rushing in the exterior door of their room. "Yui! Yui Uzumaki, come here right now, your mother and I have news!"

"Happy, I take it?" Bella prompted.

Uzumaki Asuna, who was given a name by her Uzushin mother that in the old Uzu dialect of Higo meant 'enduring hope', whose Theran mother simply called her Hope, who was hailed in Barsaive and its neighboring former Theran states as 'Berserk Healer'- and who lived a good life in defiance of the Cult Dahak and her supposed father, smiled at the Crystal Mare. "Exceedingly so."

"Anya?" Yui asked, blinking at her from her father's arms. "What's happening?"

"Bella is here to take us to see Nagyanya and Baa-chan," Asuna explained, taking her child from her husband. "They're in Konoha."

"Konoha?" Yui lit up as if her parents had promised her one of the Sphere's moons and delivered. "I get to see-- go to the Leaf? Really? Promise?"

"Yes, and apparently, Gabi-baa-chan has something very important for you to do when we get there," Asuna said seriously-- though she could not restrain the smile.

Inside, the bitter tang of not being there for her half-sister _that day_ died a little.

She wondered if the many, many surrogate family members she'd gained over the years knew.

##

**They meet in a pub in Bartertown. 1812, local time.**

"They're in Konoha?" Herc said, blinking. "Well, that's good. It's about time."

Iolaus smirked, waving their friends' letter. "It is, at that. Figure they've told Hope?"

Hercules chuckled as his friend's smirk became a grin. "Given I think our friends have nothing resembling a death wish these days..."

"Who doesn't have a death wish?"

"Joxer," Iolaus greeted their friend. "Xena and Gabi. They're in Konoha."

Joxer paused in grabbing from the plate of beef and bread between the two, both waiting for nods of permission and considering that statement. "Ten Anvils says they've already told Hope."

"You're asking for gold?" Iolaus asked.

Joxer smirked, nodding thanks as Iolaus placed a plate before him and taking the gravy boat Herc offered. "Only because I know it won't be taken. The only one connected to that grandson of theirs I'd wager hasn't been told is their Iron friend.."

"And the Samurai will turn up," Iolaus noted drily.

"He always does," Herc agreed, "Wine?"

"My round," Joxer said. "I'll wager even Old John knows."

"I hadn't considered that," Iolaus admitted. "But... yeah. They'd contact him. Or a Little Pony would pass it on. It's why we know."

##

**Blood Gultch, Sphere's End. 1534 h Local time**

"Hakumei figured you'd want to know-- asked the Hokage and the Ladies first, but..." the transformed summon before him shrugged.

The armoured figure was silent a moment.

"Have you told King Jake?"

"A-yup."

Another pause.

"Thank you, Mac," the old soldier said.

"From both of us," a disembodied female voice added.

Big Mac nodded. "Take care, John." The horse then dismissed himself.

The old soldier took a deep breath and turned to where his troops were exercising. "These Spartans aren't slacking, are they Ramsey, Sarge?"

"No sir, Master Chief, Sir!" Lt. Ramsey offered.

"You think they'd be that nuts when you're standing plum near a mili away, Master Chief?" Sarge-- always 'Sarge'-- added.

John let out a grunt. "Good. Ramsey, lead Lad and Gent Squads in a nice little run-- was that a complaint, Free?"

"Sir! Yes, sir, Master Chief, sir, but I'll live, sir!"

"Good attitude. Honest. Ramsey, take 'em out. Sarge, these boys in Red need to work on their obstacle course time."

At Red Squad's moans, Sarge roared, "Shut it! Master Chief is right! Your times last week have been slackin', and not in the do more with less way! Course eight! March! Lopez, you pick up the damn pace or I will have you peeling every tuber that's due for the mess! March!"

John returned Sarge's salute with a nod, and then gestured to the rest of the Corps. "Blues, Freelancers, form up on me. I have a voluntary mission to offer you all-- though I'll wager I should just assume Caboose is in."

Michael Caboose inclined his head. "Sir?"

"Caboose, your mother was an Uzumaki, right?"

##

"It is always the Uzumaki, isn't it?" she mused.

**0218 h, local time.**

She placed the newest letter on top of the one Hiruzen had sent her-- well, it had been evening into night when it arrived by one of her trusted messengers. Those were beside the one from dear Robin, and another one from her Knight of the Shovel, Lord Hanson Raptor of Arin.

Her dear friend Hope was heading to Konoha to see her nephew.

Her choice was simple.

She grabbed fresh paper and a quill.

_My Most Honourable Ally Hiruzen,_

_Please expect us on Naruto's birthday this year. I will be bringing members of my court, so please return a message soonest if certain restrictions are lifted. I know two little girls that would be ecstatic to meet their uncle, and I know Summer has longed to meet her cousins in the Emiya clan and her dear penpal face to face-- but for Yang's honest oath of friendship to your nin's youngest niece, she would have already._

_Awaiting your reply, I remain ever your Artie-kun:_

_Her Majesty_  
_Queen Arthuria Pendragon_  
_By the blood of the Heroes_  
_Of Kells, her Islands, and her Dominions,_  
_Defender of her Subjects  
_ ****_Utherthrone, Kells_ ** **


	5. A Warning

**Dreamtime**

"... so you're... what or who the Drews call 'He is'...?" Naruto said uncertainly.

"Hell no," Wade said, shaking his head. "That implies way too much power. I simply have the same agency at this level of reality as you do at yours."

"And there's the size thing again," Kurama murmured.

"Yeah, once you notice it..." Wade agreed with a headshake. "Anyway, I'm dealing with this forest like any arborist. I try not to step in too much, deal with the big problems when I can, and acknowledge that I'm dealing with living, growing things."

"So wait," Naruto said with a small frown. "I'm not the Naruto that Looped, and each Naruto out there is his own thing, not just possible mes... then what about--"

"Your unusual dreams?" Wade finished and sighed. "Simply put, you got a bit more of Looper!Naruto and his partner's experiences. Your tree got more of those nutrients, so to speak."

"... are there others out there? Like me?" Naruto wondered.

"In your world?" Wade mused, tapping his chin. "That's a tough one. I was lucky I saw you down there from up here, and people like you are easier to spot because of what you tend to do to your trees. But there's a chance. I can't give you a quick and easy guide, if you're asking. But your gut would be a better guide to that anyway."

"The recognition I feel..." Naruto began.

"Oh, that might coincidentally align with them being... 'grown' from a Looper," Wade said with a grin. "But directly? It's a quirk of your world. I'm sure it'll come up."

"And in other worlds?" Kurama asked. "Have you contacted--"

"Sure," Wade said with a shrug. He smirked. "Funny coincidence. There's an August Blake and his wife Usagi in another tree who are the same way, and they were shocked as hell when the only thing that kept their first born son from being a doppelganger for one of their dream-denizens was the lack of whiskers."

"And you know this how?" Kurama prompted.

"I helped him with a problem in his tree caused by a being called Henry Phage. Mean, long lived reptile bastard, tends to learn how to travel between worlds. When he's a hero, it's stunning. As an enemy-- it's almost inevitable he'll threaten existential stability."

"... does one... is he connected to something blue?" Naruto wondered, eyes narrowed.

Wade laughed. "Something blue? I would say so. You bump into him and his girls, whoever they're with... you just help. And get ready to run. He heralds problems like I do."

"Is there a big problem?" Naruto asked. "I mean, you called us here for a reason, right? Is there something you can't deal with at your point in size, but we can?"

Wade slowly sighed. "There's a fungus on your tree I recognize, yes."

"A parasite?" Kurama asked.

"The kind of thing that overwrites the story of a world to make it ... change. A recurring theme carried by one of the beings that used to loop," Wade explained. "In its native universe, it was a fundamental confusion of size, and mistaking fixing a problem with fixing things in place."

"... stopping things from changing and growing and thinking that makes the problem go away," Kurama mused.

"'I felt I lived a thousand lives,'" Naruto quoted, "'and most were at the wrong size.'"

"Roland again," Kurama said. "He still kicking?"

"Died four years ago," Naruto said. "Never met him. Shame. This fungus, it's deadly?"

Wade smirked. "It's like any such item. Sometimes, it's fine. Just a _comensel_ , a thing that shares the tree's food without hurting it. Sometimes it's a symbiote-- some of my trees can't live without it. That same world where Gus Blake is father to a Naruto? One of his adopted daughters, Bee, used to be part of its most common manifestation... and she's the sweetest little thing with tens of epochs of existence you'll ever meet."

"And sometimes, it's like that blight that wiped out all our chestnut trees," Naruto guessed.

"From my perspective, yes. At your level... it traps a world in a bullshit quagmire."

"And our tree seems more the type to get wrecked," Kurama reasoned.

"Yes. And I think you can save _your_ world, the tree your branch of possibilities is on. The size thing-- it's better if the tree can deal with what ails it on its own. All intervention has risk," Wade admitted with a shrug. "I may have to cut off branches, or cut down the tree..."

"So, what, you tell me-- er, us this and we go back knowing what to do?" Naruto wondered.

"Don't I wish," Wade said, palming his face and rubbing it wearily. In that moment, Naruto knew why he was called ' _Old Man_ Wade'. "You'll remember meeting me, bits of the true nature of the universe, it's the size thing again. Right now, you can handle this. Once you return to your waking life and normal dreaming; you don't have a Looper or an Admin's mind, neither of you do. Much as I'd like to, I can't just hand you the cheat codes so you can end game it right now. I just hope I can give you the important bits. The keywords, as a dear librarian I knew once said."

"... and those are?" Kurama asked sternly.

"You know one of them, Kurama the Horror Eater," Wade said with a smile full of dark humour.

"Oh?" the fox prompted.

" _Incubators_. Annnnd.... There. JG, you shitting yourself was sweet vengeance. Oh. thank you, my dear sweet wives won't make chimigangas like that for me!"

Naruto swore the Kyuubi turned pink-- it was _blanching_ at that word. "That's... a very _bad_ word, Old Man."

"What? Chimigangas? I thought that wasn't even in your world yet..." Wade mused.

"No, you arse! Incubator!" Kurama roared.

"Please, note the plural," Wade said.

"Fuck," Kurama said, his eyes going wider.

"And one of them you have history with," Wade pressed.

Kurama's eyes narrowed. "The Title Stealer."

"What's... no, explain later," Naruto pressed. "What else...?"

"I kept bringing up the True Gunslinger for a reason," Wade admitted.

"Yeah. And you mentioned the Dark Tower and the Beams," Naruto agreed.

"Signs of human arrogance-- hey," Kurama said, raising his hand when he met Naruto's eyes. "I like plenty of individual humans, Morsel. Your parents. Mito was one of the most intelligent and witty women ever. Her husband, his brother, Madara was a fun guy with a dry wit, the sage and his children-- especially your clan's founders, his granddaughter Yumemi and her husband Munto. As a species, you're a bunch of silly apes that stumble around half blind."

"And I suppose you foxes are the perfect species?" Naruto shot back.

"Fuck no, I'm the perfect rebuttal to that idea. It's just easier to see your faults than ours," Kurama replied with a smirk. Naruto harrumphed at him even as the tailed beast turned back to Wade. "Anything else, Tree-Tender?"

"Oh, might be interesting to tell Naruto what happened the day your buddies Tobirama and Madara dueled in the Valley of End, maybe. Anything might help."

"You made a big point about Yggdrasil dying...?" Naruto prompted.

Wade just smirked.

"Ah, yes. The 'sort it out yourself' school of mentoring," the fox sighed.

"At least Jii-jii would hand me a dictionary," Naruto groused.

"Hey, don't be sassy," Wade said crossly, "Just... trust your guts, and let the bit of you that _is_ able to grok this level of size guide you as best it can. You'll have help-- heroes usually do, and I've helped that a bit."

"You're trying far too hard to be innocent; you did this how?" Kurama prompted, giving the strange not-god a look.

"Oh, simple, you'll be out for a few hours real time, having passed out after I drew you here. I figure at least Emna, maybe some of the horse sages, your grandpa..."

"You didn't trigger my ken-gekkai's erosion thing again, did you?" Naruto noted. "Cause I just had a panic over that-- OW!"

"Take your pills," Kurama said flatly as his partner cussed and rubbed his head. "Old Man..."

Wade sighed. "Oh, well, bringing you here caused a really noticeable thing at your level."

Naruto shifted his eyes to the left, meeting a similar glance from Kurama. "And that was...?"

"Nothing big. It just caused Kurama's chakra to pulse in a perfect mix with Naruto's in a manner only a jinchuuriki in perfect sync with his guest can manage, while also drawing a small amount of nature chakra in. Hyper charged your system for a bit." Wade said, shrugging.

"Oh, yeah," Naruto agreed.

"That will get the attention going," Kurama agreed.

"Wait, what?" Naruto said.

"Sage damn it, Wade!" Kurama said.

By-eeee!~" Wade said, waving.


End file.
